


We are golden.

by Gay5sos



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5SOS - Freeform, Ashton is 17, Ashton is bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Lashton - Freeform, Luke has an ED, Luke is 15, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institution!AU, Smut, Suicide mention, Underage Drinking, Vomit Mention, awkward firsts, aye, death mention, lashton fic, lashton fluff, strong caution advised, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-24
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-20 16:24:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1517234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gay5sos/pseuds/Gay5sos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton is bipolar, Luke keeps losing weight, and they live in a nut-house. (Though they're not supposed to call it that.)<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue.

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: There are detailed mentions of suicide, self harm, builimia and eating disorders in general in this story. If you are affected by any of the above, I do not advise that you read.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own 5sos, nor do I own any of the characters in this story. I do not claim that anything I've written has taken place, it is merely a work of my own imagination.

The first time Luke induced vomiting was when he was fourteen years old.  
He was at his friend Niall's birthday party, and his mother had laid out a massive feast for everyone to pig out on.  
Everyone loved Niall of course, and they marvelled over how much the lanky boy could eat without gaining any weight.

"G'wan Nialler, fuckin bottomless pit of a stomach he's got." They would cheer as he downed a litre of chocolate milkshake all in one go.

Luke cheered too. It was funny, but he had only had two slices of the cake and he was full, so how Niall could eat so much was a mystery to him.

Until he visited the bathroom later and walked in on him kneeling in front of the toilet, two fingers jammed down his throat.

"Holy shit what are you doing?" He yelped.

He wasn't an idiot, he knew what Niall was doing. He had seen teen dramas where innocent girls have body issues and then their bitchy frenemy "helps them out" by teaching them to puke up their meals.

But this was someone he knew in real life.  
Niall hopped up, panic in his eyes, and rushed to shut the bathroom door, locking them in.

"You can't tell anyone about this." He said clearly, in a thick Irish accent.

"I won't.. but why were you doing that?" The whole thing was a shock to Luke's system. Suddenly his world didn't seem so safe and clean anymore.

"It's to stop me from getting fat." Niall shrugged nonchalantly. "Once I start eating I can't stop, so this is the only way to get rid of it all."

"Right." Luke said quietly, and left Niall to finish what he was doing.

 

When he got home and sat down for dinner, he couldn't stop thinking about what he had learned: when you eat too much you are allowed throw it all up again.

It was like an 'undo' button, except in real life.  
And for some awful reason, he felt guilty after every single bite of the pizza he took.  
He let it sit in his stomach for a good twenty minutes after dinner, before he finally gave in and rushed to the bathroom, dropping to his knees.

If Niall could do it, then so could he.  
Besides, he could do with losing a little weight. Maybe if he wasn't so chubby, girls would fancy him, like they do Niall.  
It took several attempts before it actually worked.

He used his two fingers to tickle the back of his throat, just like he had seen Niall do. Nothing was happening, he was only retching and gagging, saliva running out of his mouth and onto his hand.

Eventually, after his third gag, he lurched forward and emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet.  
He sat there for a while, eyes watering from the acidic burn in his throat.  
It hurt, but he knew it was going to happen again.  
There was a knock on the door, and his mum called out to him.

"Luke are you getting sick?"  
He considered lying, but he wanted to be taken care of.

"Yeah, I wasn't feeling well earlier." He moaned, clutching his stomach as his mum opened the door, worry etched across her face.

"You poor dear, I'll put the kettle on, you go put your PJs on."

"Thanks mum." He gave a weak smile.  
At the time he didn't know that Niall had just ruined his life.  
Shortly after that incident, Luke got really tired of puking up every single thing he ate.  
His throat was always sore and his voice sounded like shit, which kind of sucked because he thought of himself as a pretty good singer.

So he came to a conclusion:  
If he restricted what he ate, he wouldn't have to puke. Stopping doing it was completely out of the question, though.  
He was determined to lose the weight he figured he could lose.

126lbs. That's what the scale said. He figured he could get to 120.

He began avoiding meals, only eating when someone was watching him, then going upstairs for a "shower".  
And "shower" literally just meant "running the water as a distraction noise while I puke my guts out."  
He did make it to 120lbs. But he still had a belly that stuck out, so he figured he'd better lose more.  
And he did, but when he sat his thighs looked enormous.

When he turned fifteen, his mum threw him a party, and Niall was invited.  
For a second, he considered trying one of the icingless home-made cupcakes, but he took one look at his Irish friend stuffing his face with cakes he would soon be stuffing back into the toilet, and lost his appetite.

He got better at the game than Niall.  
Niall looked fat compared to him.

Luke was 98lbs.

Then he was 90.

_Then he was admitted to hospital._


	2. 1.00

"Read 'em and weep bitches." Luke said smugly as he spread his hand of cards out across the table, causing his friends to groan and throw theirs down in defeat.

"Thats not fair, no one even told me what game we're playing." Calum scowled.

"It's poker, jackass." Michael laughed, before turning to Luke. "Wait it was poker right?"

Luke looked sheepish before answering, "I actually don't know I just thought it sounded professional." sending all three boys into laughter.  
A mousy looking nurse in a frumpy white uniform and a low-ponytail scuttled over, a smile plastered across her thin lips.

"You lads seems awful cheerful this morning." She doted. Everyone was so fucking patronising here, Luke thought. "How is everyone this morning?"

"Alright, Angela! What about you, how's the ex? He still bothering you?" Calum answered straight away, acting on old habits of avoiding talking about himself.  
Nurse-Angela's lips went from a thin smile to a thin line.

"Calum, let's not talk about my personal life, when I come to this hospital, I leave all that behind. Plus, it's not very professional, is it?"

She literally sucked the fun out of everything.

"Sorry Angie." Calum muttered, into his own hand of cards.

"Anyway," she swivelled around on her ugly white flats to Michael, who looked alarmed. "Michael, nurse Donna wants to see you."

When she noticed that Michael looked as though he was going to cry and/or throw up, she added with a slightly scary smile:

"Oh don't worry, love, you're not in trouble. She just wants to cut your nails." which seemed to relax him a bit.

It wasn't that Michael was mentally incapable; he could cut his own nails. But when he first arrived, his arms, chest, legs, anywhere that Luke had seen so far, were covered in cut upon scar. When the institution searched his bags for anything he could use to harm himself (eg. blades or knives) and he was left with nothing, he grew his nails out and used them to dig long scratches into his skin.

But eventually the nurses noticed that his original cuts weren't healing, and figured out that he was making new ones.  
Michael was classed as "a danger to himself."

They all were; thats why they were here.

When Luke had stopped eating, the doctors told him that if he didn't start again that he would die. His heart would fail and then go 'kaput.'  
He didn't really mind, though. He knew he would never like himself. His self-image would never be that of a normal fifteen-year-old boy: over-confidence and too much aftershave.

Luke hated aftershave.

His family couldn't make him eat, so the hospital force fed him until he was ready to go home, where he still refused to eat, so they sent him away.

His mother cried a lot, which only made him hate himself more, but he was relieved to get away.  
At least he was going to be with his people.

People who knew what it was like to go to bed hungry every night. Who knew the burning sensation that erupted in his throat after every purging session.

Sure, the majority of them were girls, but they were friendly girls, who were mostly all very interested in him.  
He wished he could say the same. Yet another reason to hate himself.

Michael rose from his seat and gave a brave smile to his friends before going with nurse Angela to be clipped and prodded and poked.

"I can't believe after three months they still don't trust him." Calum shook his head in disbelief.

"I've been in for four and they still don't let me visit the bathrooms for at least two hours after every meal." Luke scowled. "Sometimes I actually have to pee outside."

That earned another loud laugh from Calum, echoes bouncing off the white-washed walls of the common room.

Calum was already admitted in the institution when Luke arrived.  
He had been there two months before, giving him a head start in getting used to it.  
He was who Luke shared a room with, and Michael was across the hall with a schizophrenic boy called Reggie.  
He drove Michael insane.

It wasn't really anything to do with the schizophrenia, apparently he just always used up Michael's soap.

You weren't supposed to ask people what they had done to end up in there, and Calum wasn't one of those chaps who assumed that Luke wanted to know, so it was two weeks before Calum finally rolled up his sleeves to reveal two thick, horizontal scars on the inside of each wrist.  
When he saw Luke staring, he simply stated

"I tried to die. Fam didn't wanna deal."

And they continued trying to figure out how to play poker.

When the call for lunch sounded out and they were herded into the cafeteria like animals, a pool of dread filled up the pit of Luke's stomach. Although he never let it show, meal times were still a fucking nightmare for him.

He was supposed to finish every single last morsel of whatever shitty slop was given to him or else he would get a negative report back to his personal councillor, Doctor Frank.

He expected it to get maybe even a little bit better with all the treatment he was getting, but every single time he swallowed a bite, he had to physically hold back tears from spilling out of his eyes, and he knew that it never would.

Michael arrived back a couple of minutes after the lunch call sounded out, and took his usual seat at their unspoken-table.  
It was sort of like a high school, but for crazy people. Everyone knew where they were allowed sit.  
They sat in silence, both Calum and Michael understanding that they shouldn't talk while Luke was trying to concentrate on swallowing his food.

The lucky bastards could eat without hassle.  
After lunch, Luke rushed straight up to his room and pulled out his stair-stepper from his side of the wardrobe.  
He calculated the meal in his head.

One serving of mashed turnip (50.6 cals), one serving of stuffing (50 cals), three roast potatoes (231 cals), one chicken kiev piece (373 cals) (=704.6 cals).  
The numbers made him sick and he wished he had a bathroom in his room, but at least he only had to exercise for like, four hours.

**_________________________________________________________________**

 

On hour two, Calum walked in and flopped down on his bed, resting his face in his hands.

"Reggie's dead."

"Schizo Reggie?" Luke stepped off the stepper (he felt dizzy anyway), eyes bulging out of his head.

"Yep. Mikey's pretty shaken up, though. They've taken him down to talk to the paramedics. I only got to see him for a couple of seconds, but everyone is sayin' that he was the one who found the body in their room. Suicide. Stashed sleeping pills, I guess." He informed grimly.

Luke started working on the stepper again, because he really couldn't afford to stop. "Jesus fucking christ, that's terrible. Poor Reg. Poor Mikey."

"You know what that means, though, don't you?"

"A guy is dead now."

"Yes, but no. It means there's a vacant bed in Mikey's now. Meaning we're probably gonna get someone new. Hope he's not too freaky."

"Cal. Too soon."

**_________________________________________________________________**

 

"So Lucas, how have you been?"

"It's Luke."

"Right, Luke, forgive me." Doctor Frank Martin corrected himself.

Along with his daily sessions, the doctors now also felt it was necessary that he have another one-on-one session with his councillor, to help deal with Reggie's death.  
It's not as though it had really affected Luke, he didn't know the guy that well. He knew that he had a thing for soap and occasionally stole Michael's underwear when his ran out, but that was the extent of it.

Calum had been wrong, in the sense that Michael was getting a new roommate. He hadn't- well, not yet anyway. Luke supposed the hospital were waiting until after the funeral, to seem respectful. They didn't really give a shit, though. He knew they were eager to fill the spot and take someone else's money.

"So how are you?"

"I'm doing well."

"You don't look well."

"Well thanks."

Frank sighed and pushed his thin-rimmed glasses up the bridge of his nose. He was an old wrinkly man, and Luke could have sworn that he saw his shiny bald-head glint when the sun hit it. There was no point in lying really.

"I don't know, I mean, I don't think I'm getting any better."

Eyebrows were raised.

"Do you want to get better?"

Luke scoffed, but then thought about it.

"Well, no not really, I guess. It means I'd get fat, and I don't want that."

"Well, you can be force fed all you like, but you can't truly get better if you don't want to be. So we need to work on that."

He thought about that for the rest of the day.

 **_________________________________________________________________**  

 

When Luke knocked on Michael's door, he was let in immediately.

"How are ya bro?"

Michael flopped down onto his bed face-up after answering the door.

"I don't know. It's quiet. I've never had someone I know die on me before. I've never found a body before. Stan down the hall says it's going to fuck me up forever."

"Fuck Stan, it's none of his business."

Michael sighed.

"He was an annoying prick, but I think he was kind of my friend."

Luke attempted sitting down on the bed, accidentally landing on top of Michael's legs instead. He jumped up straight away.

"Oh shit sorry, nearly crushed you there."

Michael snorted.

"Hardly, dude, you weigh less than paper." he commented before clamping his hand over his mouth in realisation. "Crap I'm not supposed to say that sorry."

Luke smiled sincerely.

"It's okay, it's nice to hear. It's nice to know someone else thinks of me that way."

The funeral was the next day. It wasn't an actual funeral. The body wasn't there, it had been taken by the parents to an actual sane-person funeral, so this was a pretend-funeral.

The doctors and nurses thought it would be a good idea for everyone to get together and say a few words about their dear Reginald, who once tried to strangle a stray bird in the gardens.

Michael, being his roommate and all, was required to say a few words.

"I first knew Reggie, three months ago. He told my arms looked fucking badass-" a nurse gave him a stern look- "sorry, em, _frickin_  badass. We didn't really talk that often, he mostly just talked to himself, but I think if I had actually taken the opportunity to get to know him, he would have at least been half-decent. Maybe he would have asked permission before taking my stuff, too."

 

When they met up afterwards, Calum gave him a huge pat on the back.

"You are absolutely shit at talking in front of crowds, man. But well done for not puking." He turned to Luke. "Well done to you for not puking either."

It was this typer of dry humour that kept them sane.  
Or, well, less insane.

 

It was two days after that when Michael finally got his new roommate.  
Luke and Calum were sitting at their table-bench-thing, waiting for dinner to be called.

"You know what I miss?" Calum said, staring in to space. "Fifa. I really miss Fifa."

"I miss Fifa too." Luke sighed. "The last time I played it, it was last years edition. Who knows when we're going to get to play Fifa '14?"

"Oh stop I'm actually going to cry." Calum said sadly.

"Guys." Mikey's voice caught their attention, and they snapped around. "This is Ashton, my new roommate. He's actually pretty cool, so I said he could sit with us."

Luke's eyes flicked to the small blonde boy standing beside his purple-haired best friend.  
He was quite possibly, the most beautiful person Luke had ever seen.

This was the reason Luke had never had a girlfriend.

"Hi." He smiled politely, and oh god. Dimples. Luke was pretty sure that dimples were a weakness for everybody, but he felt especially wounded by them.

Michael took a seat beside Luke, leaving Ashton to sit with Calum.  
Luke was disappointed.

"So whats your deal Ashton?" Calum said, everyone turning to the boy. "Like why are you here?"

"You're not supposed to ask that fucktard." Michael rolled his eyes. "He's supposed to tell us when he's ready."

"Oh, it's okay." Ashton insisted. "I have Bipolar II disorder."

Luke raised his eyebrows. He didn't look bipolar. He looked fine. Regular. Balanced.  
But, he supposed, they all did. You never know, really.

"Usually they wouldn't hospitalise people like me but I wouldn't take my medication." Ashton continued, as if it was no thing. "Can I ask why you guys are all here?"

They replied like lightening:

"Obsessive self-harming."

"Suicide attempt."

"Stopped eating 'till I nearly died."

"Oh." Ashton's eyes softened, and his caught with Luke's. They were a beautiful hazel colour. "That sucks."

"Hey Ash," Calum piped up, "ever played Fifa?"

"No, but I play the drums."  
A musician. Luke had a thing for drummers.

"Sweet, Luke's a pretty good singer, we should form a band." Michael joked over the sound of Calum gasping in horror.  
Luke felt his face redden as Ashton's eyes landed on him again.

"Well I used to sing a lot but my voice is kind of damaged so." He said humbly.

"We'd have some interesting band names though." Calum stifled a laugh.

"What about All Time Extremely Low?" Ashton smiled broadly.

Luke's heart sped up. "No way, you like All Time Low?"

Ashton looked at him, eyes wide as if he was caught out in something, and nodded, a slight smile gracing his pink lips.  
Luke nodded slowly and smirked.

"Cool. Me too."

Calum cleared his throat to fill the silence, and the call for dinner sounded out. Luke's heart sank. But he heard Ashton giggle at something Michael had said, and for a moment, his mind was on something other than food.


	3. 2.00

"You gonna eat that?" Ashton asked the next day at dinner, barely waiting for a reply from Luke before grabbing the last chicken nugget from his plate.

He let out a moan and laughed loudly at Luke's stunned expression.

"Sorry, but these are so _good_."

Calum shot Luke a 'look'.

"So Ash, how did you sleep on your first night?"  
Ashton smiled wildly at him.

"Ash, I like that! I didn't sleep but I don't really need that much sleep anyways, I have a lot of energy."

"We can see that." Michael said, face resting in his hands.

"Dude, you look fucking wrecked." Luke whispered to him.

"I am. He's not kidding when he said he didn't sleep. He was literally up all night just doing random shit. I woke up at four and he was doing a friggin colouring book."

Luke looked over to the golden-haired boy. He had bags under his eyes but he wasn't acting tired. He seemed much happier than the day before.

"You guys up for a game of footy after?" He heard Calum say through a mouth of chewed-up chicken nugget.

"Nah, I have to go exercise." Luke said solemnly. He wished that he could just throw caution to the wind and run around outside for a while, but the calories were already adding up on their own in his head, and they needed to be controllably burned off in his room after every meal.

"I'm game." Michael piped up, despite the fact that he looked as though he could drop at any second. "Ash you wanna come burn off some of that energy? _Please_."

Ashton giggled and glanced over at Luke. "Nah I think I'll keep Lukey over here company."  
Luke wasn't sure if he had heard right. Someone had chosen him over someone else. He must've misheard.

"Are you sure? I'm literally just going to be stair-stepping for like three hours. I'm not that interesting."

Ashton grinned, and grabbed another chicken nugget from Luke's plate.

"I'm sure you are."

 

"So...why...aren't you...outside? With...the others..?" Luke asked through pants, jogging up and down on the stepper at full speed.

"I'm not the football type." Ashton replied from Luke's bed, where he lay watching him work.

Luke's face could have been red from either over-exercising or the embarrassment of a cute boy watching him be all sweaty and gross.  
He hoped Ashton believed it was the first one.

"I think we should get to know each other." The smaller boy said suddenly, hopping up from his lying position and crossing his legs on the bed.

"You go first."

"Em... 'm Luke Hemmings... 'm fifteen.. I...play the guitar...I like video games.. yeah thats it.." He trailed off.

He never ever knew what to say when confronted with that question, and it was usually just embarrassing for everyone all around.

"Is that it? Tell me something you've never told anyone else before."

"Okay..em.. when I was ten I was supposed to...look after my friends hamster while he was on holiday...but I forgot and he died."

Ashton clamped his hand over his mouth to suppress a loud laugh, but Luke saw the corners of his eyes crinkle with laughter and that was enough to make him feel warm and fuzzy inside.

"You're funny." Ashton stated. "Okay, my turn. My name is Ashton Irwin, I'm seventeen, which means next year I won't have to come here anymore, I play the drums but I can't really sing like Sir Luke Hemmings. I've never murdered anyone's pet but one time I had this crazy ex-girlfriend and she actually put a dead bird in my locker and it was there all weekend before I found it on monday."

Luke screwed his face up in disgust, earning another laugh from the boy with hazel eyes.

"Okay Ashton, tell me something you've never told anyone before."

Talking to him was becoming more natural and Luke didn't notice that he had slowed down.

Ashton tapped the corner of his mouth with an index finger in an exaggerated-thinking pose, and then sat upright, eyes sparkling.

"I fancy boys sometimes."

Luke nearly tripped and fell on his face because never before had someone been so open with something like that with him. Dare he say it back?

"Oh. Cool."

The older boy's eyebrows knitted together in something Luke couldn't place.

"You don't have a problem with that do you? Don't worry I don't fancy you or anything."

Oh, well fucking dandy, of course he didn't.

"No I don- It's cool. I'm fine with it. I'm sure everyone else will be too.

"I don't know if I'll tell anyone else." Ashton sighed and flopped back down, facing the ceiling.

"Hey who's your favourite comic book character?"

 

 **_________________________________________________________________**  

 

Luke liked Ashton quite a lot.

Michael didn't seem quite too keen on him, probably though, because he had been keeping the purple-haired boy up at all hours doing various things for the past few days.

Luke thought maybe Michael was hoping for a slightly less insane roommate, and then got stuck with someone who only slept three hours a night and spent the other twenty one singing or drumming on things or drawing or "redecorating" their dorm room or giving himself haircuts when he shouldn't be.

Despite the fact that Ashton's personality had completely changed from when he first arrived, Luke still felt an attraction to him. Not a sexual attraction, but he felt as though he was drawn to him as a person.  
Ashton wanted to spend time with him, and that was really the only quality Luke wanted in a friend.

They were together most of the time now. Not just them two, but all four of them. Calum and Michael were a bit unsure of him at first, but they tolerated him at least, understanding how close he was to Luke. Ashton was quite funny, and interesting, and, although he tried to convince them all that he wasn't, was quite good at football.

When they weren't with the others though, they were in Luke's room, and Michael didn't mind because he used the time to catch up on sleep, while Calum went downstairs to his afternoon counselling sessions, or to flirt with the cute-but-psychotic girls on the first floor.

It was a win-win-win-win situation!

And then one day Ashton changed again.

Michael and Calum had gone down for breakfast, and Luke had told them not to wait for him because Michael had mentioned getting a full-nights sleep the night before.

When he entered Ashton's room, he immediately noticed something was off.

There were no fresh pictures, the furniture was still intact in the same place it had been the night before, and Ashton was still lying in bed, awake but not moving.

"Ash? You feeling okay?" He said softly, approaching the older boy and sitting on the edge of his bed.

Ashton responded by turning over to face the wall, not saying a word.  
Luke tried to ignore the pang of hurt that waved over him, originating from his chest.

"Are you going to get up for breakfast? It's almost eleven, you must be hungry." He tried again.

"'M not." Ashton finally mumbled from his pillow. His voice was thick from sleep and tears, and the sound of it made Luke's heart break more than a little.

"Ash-" He began, and then trailed of, failing to find the words to say. Eventually,

"Have you been taking your meds?" He asked, but he had a feeling he already knew the answer.

There were a couple of seconds of silence, as Luke's question hung in the air.

"Just fuck off." The hazel-eyed boy said, his voice barely above a whisper, still not daring to turn around.

When Luke got up to leave and opened the door, he found a nurse standing outside his room across the hall.  
She was black and large and her name was Bernie.  
When she saw him, she cross her arms and raised her eyebrows, clearly unimpressed.

"Luke Hemmings, you're late for your meal. You're not getting out of it so don't start getting any ideas-"

"-I know," he cut her off, not willing to suffer through anymore of her agonising ranting, "I just-" he paused again, hesitating before continuing- "I'm worried about my friend. He's not getting out of bed and I think he's in the middle of a hypomanic episode."

Yes, Luke had done his research on Bipolar II disorder since meeting Ashton. He knew for a fact that Ashton had been reading about eating disorders too.

He also knew that what he was doing was fucking terrible but it was in Ashton's best interest.  
The nurse scoffed.

"Well if you're talking about Mr. Irwin—"

"—Ashton"

Bernie grimaced.

"Alright, if you're talking about Ashton, which I assume you are, then he shouldn't be experiencing hypomanic episodes if he's taking his medication."

"I don't think he has been."

A grim expression fell onto her face, and she pushed past Luke towards Ashton's room.

"Go down and eat your breakfast, _now_." She ordered, before closing the door behind her.

Luke wasn't going to do that. He felt like shit for ratting one of his friends out to a nurse. If Michael or Calum found out what he had done, they would hate him. If Ashton found out what he had done, he would hate him too. He really shouldn't have done it.

And now he just had another thing to add to the long list of reasons why he couldn't stand himself.


	4. 3.00

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know, I'm a terrible person for leaving it so long to update. I have no valid excuse, really, only that I have had the worst writers block recently and I literally could not write, so thats a thing.  
> ALSO, guess what?! I met the band! It was amazing and idk I just felt like I should share that with you guys.  
> So anyway, heres the next chapter! xx

When someone from the outside world visited Luke, (which was very rarely) all they talked about was how lucky he was that he didn't have to go to school, which in all fairness, was pretty true. They don't force you to learn when you're too busy trying to not want to die all the time.

But he knew that when he finally got back out, he would be bombarded with so much work that he would be so overcome with stress and anxiety that he would end up back where he started.

There was never a way out. This would be the rest of his life.

The next time Luke saw Ashton was three days later. He was sitting in the common room, lounging on the couch, and playing Animal Crossing on his nintendo. (Literally one of the only psych ward-approved technologies he was allowed bring with him. Animal Crossing wasn't really a trigger.)

Michael and Calum were off either doing god-knows-what with the OCD girls, or playing football outside. He couldn't really remember.  
In the corner of his eye he saw someone tall and blonde sweep by in a large maroon jumper. He had an internal debate wether to look up or not because he was just about to pay off a mortgage, but in the end, decided to pause the game. Ashton was engaged in a deep conversation with a gaunt-looking nurse across the room.

The boy himself was looking pretty gaunt, but that didn't stop Luke from snapping the DS shut and calling out to him.  
Ashton snapped his head around, and as soon as he saw him, turned back around to the nurse.

Luke's face grew hot and his chest felt like it was going to burst. Ashton hated him. Ashton was ignoring him. They had barely even become good friends and now he wasn't even going to get a chance to fix this.

God, why was he such a fuck up?

Suddenly, he noticed that Ashton had finished up his conversation with the nurse, and was slowly walking over, hands in his sweatpants pockets.

"Hi Luke." he said quietly, and Luke didn't really know what to say as the boy hovered over him nervously.

Up close the boy looked even worse. He didn't seem down in the dumps, nor was he acting hyperactive. He just looked tired. His hair was flat and lifeless and the bags under his eyes were noticeable. His skin was breaking out and Luke felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

"I haven't seen you in a while." He said cautiously. He wasn't really sure what was happening right now. Ashton looked down on him, with sad, dim eyes. Then he stared at his feet.

"You told on me, Luke." He said, voice barely above a whisper.

Shit.

"Ash, please don't be mad at me, I just didn't want you to be sad like that, I was trying to help!" He blurted, trying desperately to backtrack what he had done.

Ashton was still looking at him with those sad, hazel eyes, so he continued.

"I just wanted to help, because I like you. I wanna be your friend." he didn't really care if he sounded pathetic. Ashton sighed and sat down on the couch beside him.

"Do you know they have a special ward for patients who don't take their meds? I didn't. They practically force-feed them to ya over there." he shuddered, and Luke wondered if it was too bold to place a comforting hand on the boys shoulder. He did anyway.

"Maybe I should just get you back by telling them what you're using the stepper for in your room." Ashton said. Luke knew he was joking, but he still couldn't help his eyes flying open in panic.

"Fuck, please don't, I had to get Calum to tell them he couldn't reach the top shelf to get it-" this time Ashton placed both hands on his shoulders. He snatched them back after a couple of seconds.

"Christ, I was only kidding." he chuckled before adding "and I wanna be your friend too, Mr. Luke Hemmings."

Luke couldn't understand why Ashton had forgiven him so easily. He must have been the most compassionate person he had ever met. It was endearing.

 

Ever since the Reggie incident, Luke hadn't failed to notice that Michael had new marks on his skin. One day when he rolled up the sleeves of his jersey, Luke saw that he had deep bite-marks and scrapes on his forearm.

When he caught Luke's eyes, all he said was "the recessions hitting us hard" and gave a small chuckle.  
It irritated Luke sometimes that his friends didn't want to open up about their problems to him.

Every time someone tried to mention the fact that Mikey had now resorted to using his teeth as weapons against himself, he would say something witty and laugh it off.

Calum had never even told any of them why he had tried to end his life. All he and Michael knew was that he had gotten too much for his parents to handle so they admitted him there. They never visited. So what Ashton said a couple of days later was both a shock and a surprise to him.  
They were both lying on Luke's bed, feet on the ground, just kind of looking at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that last week." Ashton said, voice heavy with sleepiness.

"It's alright. We all have our bad days."

"The nurses keep checking my mouth after I take my pills." he stated.

"They're supposed to do that anyway." Luke said incredulously.

Ashton scoffed.

"I know, but I was able to hide them at least."

"After Reggie died they've been pretty strict about the whole thing."

Ashton turned his head to look at him. "Reggie. It that the guy who bit the dust- sorry, insensitive- the guy who died before I got here."

"Michael's old roommate, yeah." Luke confirmed.

They lay in silence for another minute or two.

"Do you ever want to talk about it?" Ashton spoke up again.

"About Reggie? Nah didn't really know the guy. Bit quiet."

"So are you." Ashton let out a small giggle and Luke's stomach did a weird fluttery thing. "But I was talking about what happened with you. Like why you're here 'n stuff."

Luke raised both eyebrows at this. Someone wanted to know about him.

"No one ever really asks, I guess. Well, except Frank."

"Frank?"

"My psychiatrist."

"Oh good, I was about to fly into a jealous rage, there." Ashton chuckled.

Luke's breath hitched. Jealous?

"And anyway, have you opened up to Frank yet?" the older boy continued.

"Nah. Why would I, he doesn't even know me."

Ashton lolled his head over to look at him.

"I know you."

"Barely."

"Enough to know that you're a good person."

Luke rolled over into a foetal position, Ashton doing the same, so that they were both facing each other.

"I'm really not. Too broken." he whispered.

The room was starting to dim as the sun went down.

"We're all broken. That's why we're here. To be fixed." Ashton smiled at him, a real smile, that made his eyes dance and his dimples pierce deep into his cheeks. "I know that you're fixable, Luke. I can see it."

No one had ever used such delicate words with him. He was ashamed to say that the urge to let his emotions slip from his grasp was overwhelming.

It started with the tears stinging the back of his eyes. Luke couldn't stop a tear from rolling down one cheek, and then the other, and he felt like his face was going to burst. He clamped a hand over his mouth before he let a gasp and a sob escape from his lungs.

Ashton grasped his shoulders and brought him to a sitting position, before wrapping his arms tightly around Luke's shoulders, burying his nose into his neck.

"Sshh, it's going to be okay, let it all out, it's going to be alright." he murmured over and over again, rubbing circles into Luke's shaking back and circles.

It was the first time Luke had cried- properly cried- in months, and now all of the pent up anger, and hate, and sorrow was pouring out of him, tear by tear. It was humiliating that the other boy was seeing him like this, but he knew it was okay. Ashton was warm, and safe, and kind.

Luke could trust him.

And for some reason, this only made him cry more.


	5. 4.00

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I dont know when the next chapter will be up, but yeah. Here's this one, anyway!! :) x

"How was your day Luke?"

He sighed in satisfaction when Frank used the correct name.

"It was fine. Me and Ashton are friends again now."

"Really?" Frank scribbled something on his clipboard and adjusted his glasses. "Tell me a bit about that."

"Well you know, when I told on him, I thought he would be mad at me forever. But he wasn't at all. He's just too nice, I think."

"What do you mean 'too nice'?"

"Well, like, I don't know. I guess because he wanted to be my friend."

"But what about your other friends? Calum and..." he checked his clipboard again. "Michael!"

"Don't get me wrong, Mike and Cal are great friends, they're just... they don't want to talk about things. Ashton asks me questions about my life outside. He even- he even let me cry on him." Luke mumbled that last part.

"Well Luke, it sounds like you're making a lot of progress. I think having a friend to talk to- other than me, of course- is very important. You're new project is to let yourself open up to him, or someone at least."

Luke thought that maybe one counselling session a day was a little much. The only thing to tell Frank was something that happened in the 24 hours they were apart.  
Which was why he was pleased with the conversation that followed.

"Now Luke, I want to speak to you in regard of the timetable of our sessions."

Luke's eyebrows shot up. This was new.  
Frank continued.

"Due to the amount of progress you've been making, what with your opening up to me and such, I think it would be fair to reduce the amount of sessions to..say....three times a week?"

Luke's eyes widened in shock.  
He was...making progress?

"Yes! Yeah, that's fine."

Frank gave him a satisfied smile.

"So is tuesday, thursday and sunday alright?"

"Yes!"

Luke did feel sort of guilty, mostly because the only reason he didn't put up a fight when eating is because he knew he could just burn it off straight afterwards.  
But he didn't tell Frank that.

 

After that day, neither he nor Ashton brought up Luke's sob-session again. Ashton, however, did want to talk about feelings again.  
They were sitting under the shade of a large tree in the gardens, onlooking the view of every nut-case they were locked up with, running around and chasing the flying insects.

"You need to talk about stuff, Lukey. It's part of the process of getting better."

Luke quirked an eyebrow. He thought about the hypocrisy of it all, and what Ashton still hadn't talked about yet.  
Oh, this was too good to resist.

"Well if you wanna talk about feelings, let's talk about how you admitted to liking guys one time."

Ashton's face paled and his lips fell into a tight line.

"When did I say that?"

"When you were on your super-high." Luke smirked. "You said 'I fancy boys sometimes', remember?"

"No." the shorter boy muttered. "But in my defence, no one is actually one hundred percent straight. Not with the right motives."

"I am." Luke protested, not really quite confident about that detail. Ashton seemed to already know this, quirking an eyebrow.

"Oh really? So you're one hundred percent straight. Never had thoughts about another guy then?"

Luke nodded, face flushing because it was a fucking lie.  
Ashton smirked.

"Liar."

He kicked back and spread his legs out in front of him under the shade of the tree. He seemed as though he was examining the other patients, all their movements and actions. He was silent, scanning the crowd.

"I bet I could get any guy here to go gay for as long as it takes them to come." he muttered, either to himself or to Luke, he couldn't tell.

He would be lying if he said that hearing Ashton say something like that didn't make his breath hitch.  
He did, however, let a smug expression take over him. Since when had his friend become so cocky? Someone had to knock him down a notch.

"Care to demonstrate then?" he found himself asking.

Ashton turned to face him, eyes twinkling.

"Okay, on who?"

Luke thought about it. Who wouldn't keel under the charm and beauty of the very boy next to him, so as to prove a point?

"Me."  
Luke surprised even himself with that, not sure if he should backtrack or leave it out there in the open. He decided to just go with it.

"What?"

"I said, if you're so sure of yourself, why don't you prove it? Unless you don't think you can do it."

Luke had absolutely no clue what he was doing. One part of him wanted to climb the tree and dive off head first, but the other part wanted to see how this played out.  
As soon as he proposed the challenge, though, Luke could literally see Ashton's eyes twinkle with competitiveness.

"Okay." he said slyly, simply leaning back against the tree, panning over the yard, Luke doing the same, not really knowing what was about to happen.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt something brush against his hand. He was about to start shaking it wildly, thinking it was a bug, when he looked down and realised that it was the other boy's hand.  
Luke sighed in relief, as Ashton stared ahead, unable to keep the subtle smirk from his face though.  
He tensed up again when the older boy brushed his hand with a long finger, drawing slow, tantalising circles on the back.  
Ashton's (extremely large, but he tried not to think about that) hand began slowly reaching up his arm, still moving achingly slow, making Luke's breath hitch.

He didn't know what was happening, because he was literally only touching his arm so far, and Luke's stomach was already doing flips.  
When Ashton's reached his forearm, he glanced up, making eye contact with the younger boy. His eyes were a beautiful hazel, filled with playfulness and want, but also a deep sadness, too. They weren't the eyes of someone to loved them self.  
He was broken, Luke could tell, but weren't they all?

As Luke failed to tear his eyes away from the tiny amber flecks that highlighted the light brown colour, he couldn't help notice that the boy's pupil's were doubling in size. Luke would not be surprised if his were too.

Apparently they had, because Ashton leaned in, and then stopped at a painfully close distance. He lifted the other hand and placed it just above Luke's knee, tracing it with his thumb. His eyes flicked from Luke's, down to -definitely his lips- and back up again.

Luke was practically trembling now. He probably wasn't thinking straight because all he wanted to do was to fucking kiss him. He wondered if Ashton wanted that too.

Ashton noticed his hands shaking, and chuckled quietly. It was the worst thing in the world. He leaned in a bit closer, and for a startling moment, Luke thought he was going in for the kiss, but instead, he ducked a little to the right, down to Luke's ear.

"There are people here." he whispered, hot breath tickling Luke's ear, in the best way. "Wanna go to your room?"

Luke stared at him again, eyes wide, breath heavy, not even able to comprehend an answer.  
He nodded, a bit too enthusiastically.  
Ashton stared back at him for a couple of seconds, something Luke couldn't identify in his eyes, before breaking into a large grin.

"Christ you're easy." he laughed, and it dawned on Luke what had just happened. His eyes widened in panic, and he bolted back, sitting at a respectable, straight, distance. He rested his face in his palms and let out a groan of defeat.

"Hey I don't blame you, I've never failed before." Ashton giggled. Luke wanted to kill the giggle. It was like sunshine.

"I'm not gay." he mumbled. "You caught me off guard."

"You totally wanted to lick my face." Ashton laughed, and Luke could almost hear the smirk. He sat up, a look of horror and amusement on his face.

"Ugh, gross." he shoved the boy beside him, laughing.

They heard footsteps approaching on the grass, and Calum trudged over, football tucked under his arm. Luke had seen him and Mikey playing somewhere off in the distance, but now the green-haired (yes, he had changed it again. Luke didn't know the policy on that here.) was nowhere to be found.

"Hey lads. Sorry to interrupt your make-out session, or whatever was happening over here." and he sat down, cross-legged in front of them.

Ashton said "Hey Cal!"

Luke said "we weren't making out you asshole."

Calum raised his eyebrows incredulously at him, and Ashton changed the subject promptly.

"Where's Mike?"

"At counselling." Calum sighed. "I'm worried about that kid. You guys have seen the..uh..recent.." he gestured towards his own forearm, and both Luke and Ashton nodded.  
Calum let his hands fall to his thighs and blew a huff of air through his nostrils.

"I don't know what's up with him. He won't talk."

"Maybe," Ashton suggested, "you guys should agree to open up to each other. You know, tragic backstories, tragic now-stories, feelings towards each other, etcetera."

Calum's head snapped up.

"What do you mean by 'feelings'?"

"Oh you know," Ashton's eyes were dancing, "how much you trust each other and stuff."

"Oh. Oh right. Listen, I gotta get goin, the ladies await me." he plastered a grin onto his face and ran a hand through his hair, standing up.

As he left, he turned to Ashton, letting the confusion show in his face.

"What was that all about?"

"What? Oh nothing, it's fine."

But Luke didn't miss the smirk that held it's place on the other boy's face.

 

_That night, Luke was awoken to the feeling of soft lips pressed to his neck. His eyes snapped open, and were met with the familiar hazel one's he knew so well._   
_Ashton gave him a small smirk, and continued to press small kisses around his collar bones, but getting bolder and starting to suck small love bites there._

_"What the fuck are you doing?" he said breathlessly, because he really had no fucking clue what was going on._

_"Do you want me to stop?" Ashton said, eyebrows raised. Luke wondered if this was some sort of joke._

_If it was, it was one he was okay with. He shook his head quickly._

_Ashton nodded smugly and began sucking at his neck again, and Luke knew he was going to have some marks there later._   
_He had so many questions, and he rolled his head to see if Calum was awake._

_He wasn't there._

_"Where's Cal?"_

_"Shh, baby," Ashton pressed a long kiss to his lips, "it doesn't matter, you taste so good."_

_It sent a shiver through Luke's spine. Ashton started pressing more kissed onto his skin, travelling closer and closer to the danger zone._

_"Gonna make you feel so good." Ashton was muttering, and Luke couldn't help but let his eyes roll back._

_Ashton continued downwards, until he was nipping and sucking over the fabric concealing Luke's hard-on. He resisted the urge to moan and arch his back._

_Although Luke had long kicked the covers off of his feet, he began to feel like there was something wrapped around them. It felt as though his lower half was being suffocated, and he began kicking his legs, trying to shake the feeling off. Ashton was staring at him as though he's gone mad._

_"Luke what are you doing?"_

_"Do you feel that?" he said panting. It was so uncomfortable, it was almost as if--_

\--Luke sat up in bed, and realised that his legs had gotten tangled in the sheets. He also realised that he was very hard, and that he had just had a very intimate dream about Ashton.  
The word 'fuck' came to mind.


	6. 5.00

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so basically, I'm trying to improve on my writing skills (including writer longer chapters and stuff) so if you have any questions about the story (like details you dont understand, not spoilers) please put them in the comments so that I can add them in the next chapter. It would be much appreciated!! x

"On a scale from one to eleven, how good would you rate this pizza-"

"Twelve!" Michael yelled before Calum could even finish speaking.

"I can't taste anything but calories." Luke muttered into his slice, and winced as the hot tomato sauce hit his tongue, making his mouth burn.

"Shut up, Luke. You know what? I take it back, pizza's a thirteen."

Mikey was a pretty big pizza enthusiast.

"I'd marry this pizza." Ashton said from beside him.

Luke didn't answer. Waking up this morning and having to see Ashton first thing was practically a punishment on it's own. He couldn't figure out why he had even had the dream, and now their legs were touching and his skin was burning.

Sure, Ashton was attractive, and yes, maybe Luke was very attracted to him, but he had never realised how much so. He wasn't very experienced with sex, (or experienced at all) but the feelings he got in his stomach when dream-Ashton was kissing his neck, and muttering sweet nothings into his ear, were better than the feelings he got when he was hungry.

He closed his eyes and focused on the food he was eating. He knew the pizza was homemade. Full fat cheese with a thin crust. It was roughly 250 per slice, but Luke had never had this type at home, and there was no way of looking it up now, so that was just a guess.

250 calories x 8 slices= 2000 calories.

That's more than he should be eating if he was trying to lose two pounds a week.  
That's about the same as a normal person intakes in a day.  
And that was just dinner. Thinking about it was a punishment in it's own for eating it, not that he had a choice. There was always a nurse nearby, watching him eat, and making sure he swallowed every morsel.

He felt his eyes stinging, because his body physically ached, and every bite (chewed twelve times each) he swallowed went down with a fight.  
His legs jigged quickly under the table, because there was a rumour that it sped up your metabolism when eating.

"Luke." Ashton whispered to him, as Calum and Michael had gone off on a tangent about one of the nurses slipping in the hallway this morning. "You're crying."

Luke knew this. He didn't really know what to say, and remained quiet.

"Are you okay?"

He opened his mouth to reply but all that came out was a half-whine-half-sob. He nodded his head quickly, taking a huge gulp of water to clear his throat, because quite frankly, eating made him feel like he couldn't breathe.

"I'm fine, just..." _Just I can't even eat without crying, just I'm the family disappointment, just I think I might like you._ "...I'm really full and I'm not allowed stop eating."

Ashton gave him the same sympathetic look he hated. Only when he did it, it was okay.

"That sucks." he said, looking around in a suspicious manner. "Quick, gimme a slice."

Luke didn't wait for an explanation, as he slid a slice of the pizza into Ashton's plate while the nurses weren't watching. The older boy gave him a wink, causing Luke's heart to flutter, and immediately started chewing on the slice, letting out a moan in the process.

"Oh my _god_ you taste so good." he muttered, as if speaking to the pizza, and Luke froze. Parts of the dream he had had came flooding back to him.

_"Where's Cal?"_

_"Shh, baby," Ashton pressed a long kiss to his lips, "it doesn't matter, you taste so good."_

He felt himself break into a cold sweat, and tried to let the thoughts evacuate his mind, but the more he focussed on what he shouldn't be thinking about, the more he thought about it.  
And right now was definitely not a good time to be picturing Ashton hovering over him, moaning his name.

Or stripping his shirt off.

Or grinding into him, skin hot and pulse racing. Something like that was what he should not be thinking about.

"Thanks." he said quietly, trying to ignore that his voice cracked.

"You sure you're okay? You seem kind of off. No offence."

"I said I'm fine!" he protested, although the waver in his voice said otherwise.

"Hey you guys, I, like, completely forgot about visitors day tomorrow." Calum said across the table, and yeah, Luke had almost forgotten.

"Is this Ashton's first one?" Michael queried, and Ashton nodded enthusiastically.

"Yep! I'm so excited to see my family." he enthused, but his smile fell when he saw the grimaces of everyone else at the table. "What? What is it?"

"Just," Calum reached across the table and patted his arms, "you gotta be prepared for it, okay? They're not gonna treat you the same while you're in here."

"Cal, don't scare him off the idea." Luke hissed. "It's fine, really. Parent's are sometimes kinda patronising, but it's usually okay. In my case, my brother's aren't allowed pick on me and my parent's filter everything they say just in case they hurt my feelings."

"My sister acts the same as before. We always got on though, I suppose." Calum added.

"What about you, Michael?" Ashton said, and everyone turned to the green-haired boy.

"I don't have a sister." Michael deadpanned, and Ashton giggled. It made Luke's mind go a little fuzzy and he couldn't help but smile too.

"No I mean, what about your family? What are they like?"

"Oh, they're fine. It's all good." Michael said quickly. "I'm not that hungry. Uh...Luke! You want the rest of my pizza?"

Luke stared at him, eyebrows raised.

"Really dude?"

"Oh, right sorry."

Calum piped up. "I'll have some more of the thirteen-pizza!"

Michael slid it onto his plate, depositing the tray in a stack across the room and evacuating the room.

"I'm gonna go after him." Luke sighed, standing up too, and then pausing. "After I burn off the pizza."

 

A few hours later, (which was probably a little late) an exercised and showered Luke knocked on Michael's door, and was let in several seconds later. Ashton was at counselling as far as he knew, and Calum was probably around somewhere. Luke didn't know at all times.

"Mike? Can we talk?"

"Yeah, course, what's up?"

They both sat down on the bed, and Luke could hear his heart beating in his ears.

"Well, uh, so... we're kind of worried about you. Like we completely understand if it's about...you know, Reggie, and stuff. Or your family. But you can talk about it if you want."

Michael stared at him for a second, and then snorted.

"What are you talkin' about? I'm fine! I mean I was upset at first, but I'm over it now."

"Are you kidding? How could you be fine? You found a body, if it were me I'd be traumatised!"

"Well, Luke, I'm not you. I get it, you're my friend and all, but honestly, you don't know anything about me and you don't know how I cope with things. And it's none of your business."

It was like a kick to the groin, and Luke felt the frustration building inside of him.

"Coping?! Is that what you call this?" he yanked up the sleeve of Michael's shirt, revealing the bite marks. "If this is coping, then I have no trouble eating!"

Michael was staring at him, and the hurt was clear in his eyes. He remained silent and Luke softened his tone.

"I know, I know barely anything about you, but I really wanna change that. You're one of my best friends, Mikey. I don't want you to keep hurting yourself like this.

Michael blinked, and then cringed.

"I don't talk about myself because I _can't_. It feels unnatural and weird. If you can't accept that, then you should probably not be my friend anymore."

That was a hint, and Luke could take the hint.

"I'll go. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be your friend anymore."

Michael was staring at the ground without a word, and as Luke left, he began clawing at his exposed forearm with blunt nails.

 

"What did you say to Mike?" Calum said, barging into their room, where Luke was doing absolutely nothing on his bed.

"I didn't say anything."

"Well, clearly you did, because he's not talking to anyone now."

Luke sat up to look at him. He was quite confused.

"Cal are you mad at me? Why are you mad at me?"

Calum let out a large sigh of frustration, and began pulling clothes from one of his drawers. It was something he did from time to time, either when he was angry or nervous. As soon as the last item of clothing hit the floor, he picked it up and began folding again, placing them all back where they were before.  
And then he would start on the next drawer.

"Because you made him upset. You know how he is."

"Actually, I don't know how he is. Because he never fucking tells me anything. In fact, you seem to know more about him than I do."

Calum looked like a deer in the headlights.

"Well maybe you would know more if you hadn't _ditched us for Ashton!_ " he retaliated, shoving a pair of shorts into the drawer violently.

"Is that what this is about? Cal, we were supposed to be best friends. Us three, even before Ashton. I feel like we never see each other anymore."

"That's because you're always off sucking your boyfriend's dick or something." the dark-haired boy muttered.

"Cal!" Luke squawked, choking on his words, "he's not my _boyfriend_. And I have never sucked his dick. Ever."

"You sure? Cos I'm like ninety percent sure you were moaning his name in your sleep last night."

Luke's face went hot. In all honesty, it would have been completely unrealistic (although fortunate) if he was able to keep it a secret.

"In my defence," he protested, "I can't control what happens in my sleep. I'm unconscious. And please, don't be mad at me, I really miss you guys."

Calum sighed, placing the last shirt back into the drawer. It had was a black and grey sweater with the sleeves cut off, and Luke was pretty sure that it didn't belong to either of them. He didn't dwell on the subject.

"Look, you're gonna have to talk to Mikey about it. I'm fine as long as you don't keep ditching us for blondie."

"I'll try. But I'm not gonna ditch him either. He's my friend. I think it would be better if we were all friends."

"Right now, all I care about is getting Mike to talk." he said, before shutting the drawer and leaving.

Calum and Michael definitely didn't like Ashton as much as Luke did. They did have a point, he was annoying at times, and he did keep Michael awake when he was on a high, but that was hardly his fault. And Calum seemed jealous that Luke was spending so much time with him, but that wasn't Ashton's fault either.  
If anything, it was Luke's.  
Of course he was the blame for everything again. Even when it didn't seem that way, when you get right down to it, he was usually behind it all, wether it was unintentional or not.  
And eventually Ashton was going to see it. Eventually he was going to fuck up again, and Ashton was going to get mad at him, just like Calum and Michael already were, and leave him.

He wasn't looking forward to seeing his family the next day. It was true, what he had said to Ashton, but he had sugar-coated it a little. Being talked down to like a little child was like torture. Sometimes he purposely wound his brothers up, just to get a reaction from them, but all he received was the same "let's all try to get along, and spend time as a family" talk.

He grabbed his nintendo, switching on Animal Crossing, and retreated to a snuggly blanket-nest, where he stayed for the rest of the night.  
He fell asleep even before lights out was called, alone, and afraid of his future.


	7. 6.00

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay. this was sort of just a filler.

When Luke awoke the next day, it was with dread in his stomach. Family day, although a joyous occasion for some, always left him feeling more than slightly drained. Thought t was only once every few weeks, thankfully, which wasn't so bad.

Wake up call came at 10, and they all filed down for breakfast. Luke probably would have been able to slip away and skip it, but something urged him to press forward and make it to their little table.

If it wasn't for his own motivation, the shitty hospital and it's terrible system wouldn't be doing him any good at all. Then again, he had next to none motivation, so there was that. It bugged him how the nurses that were supposedly watching him eat around the clock, seemed to vanish in the middle of meals. (Not in the 'why aren't they watching me?' way, but more in a 'why aren't they doing their job?' way.)

Another example was Ashton, and how he had managed to skip his pills. No one had even noticed until Luke had told someone. Or how they just gave Calum the stepper without any questioning. It was all a little dodgy, and Luke had a theory that all of these rules were just for show.

Did they even actually care if Luke rushed to the bathroom to puke up his meals? Or were they only making it look like they would never allow it? He had never tested the theory.

In other ways, though, it seemed as though they cared a bit. The nurses were (for the most part) friendly, and the way they addressed all of the patients by first name to make the facility more personal, was a nice gesture. It was however, probably one of the worst-run psychiatric hospitals in Australia.

They could probably get away with anything in here.

When he arrived at their bench-table-thing, the other three were there, and he noticed straight away how uncomfortable Ashton looked.

"Lucas, there you are!" the older boy called as soon as he spotted him.

"You look buzzed." he deadpanned, chewing nervously on his lip, because Michael and Calum hadn't said anything so far, and Luke didn't know if they were all okay or not. The two carried on in their conversation, occasionally glancing over at them, only going back to what seemed like a serious discussion.

"Of course I'm buzzed! I get to see my mum and my little bro 'nd sis!" he exclaimed, a broad grin on his face. "I'm so excited."

Luke grimaced, because soon enough Ashton would come to realise that these occasions were not something to get excited about, like they all had at first. But then, the shorter boy looked so happy for once. His large, hazel eyes were genuinely sparkling, and Luke didn't want to spoil it for him.

"Don't be." Calum muttered, and Luke felt his stomach lurch.

Ashton only stared down at where he was picking at the wick of his thumbnail. Luke desperately wanted to ask what Calum's problem with Ashton was. The kid hadn't even done anything wrong, except maybe steal Luke's attention.

He wanted to drag the older boy away from the table and comfort him, because it was obvious that he was uncomfortable, however Luke's head told him to stay put.

The last thing he needed was to piss his friends off even more.

After breakfast, they were told to go to the common room, where, like always, their families were waiting. After meeting them there, they were free to go wherever on the hospital grounds. Luke's preferred place was the gardens. The sun shone there in the afternoons.

He watched as Calum walked briskly over to his older sister and enveloped her in a large hug, and as Michael looked around in search for someone, pinching at his arms nervously. He saw Ashton sprint to the other side of the room, and scooping a little boy up into his arms. Seconds later, he kneeled down to embrace a slightly older little girl.

Luke could see that there were tears in his eyes as he buried his nose into the girl's jumper, especially when he looked up to his mum, who was whole-heartedly sobbing. She wrapped around him, and Luke could hear her wailing things like "my little boy" and "missed you so much."

It was quite a touching sight, and Luke had clearly underestimated the love that Ashton had for his family. Luke's first time seeing his family again didn't go as well as this.

"Luke!" he spun around to his mother's voice, and saw her, his dad, and two brothers sitting together, like something from a christmas postcard. Jack and Ben were even wearing matching crimson sweaters.

"Hey!" he called, strolling over to them.

It's good to see them, however they never hesitated to make him feel like the outcast of the family. They had a large group hug, and in the corner of his eye he saw Ashton sitting cross-legged on the floor with his two younger siblings.

He was talking animatedly to them, his eyes wide and a fond smile on his face. Luke couldn't help but smile himself, at how happy he looked.

"Is that your friend?" He heard his dad's voice snapping him out of his little daydream.

Luke hadn't even noticed that they had all broken away from the hug, and were now staring at him expectantly. He swivelled around, feeling slightly guilty.

"Oh- yeah, that's Ashton. It's his first time seeing his family." he said, and Ben punched his arm, smirking.

"Oh so you're checking up on him, then?" he said, and Jack snickered, causing Liz to pinch them both by the earlobes.

"Behave, boys." she muttered, smiling broadly at Luke again.

He could clearly see that the smile was for show, and he had no idea what his brothers were talking about.

They ended up taking a stroll outside per usual, and it was a nice atmosphere. People who never talked were suddenly chatting away like nobody's business. One girl whom Luke had never seen when she wasn't crying, was laughing full-heartedly at something her dad was saying.

After an hour or two of "family time", Liz agreed to let Ben and Jack take Luke off on their own. The two eagerly dragged him away from where they were sitting on the grass, and Luke braced himself for the rush of insults that were about to come without the watchful eye of his mother.

"So Lukey, what's the goss?" Jack said with a broad grin. It was never genuine.

"No goss. I already told you most of the news with mum and dad." he replied, a little nervously.

"Idiot, he means the news that you can't say in front of mum and dad." Ben said, and rolled his eyes.

Luke was a little relieved, when his family first came to visit, and his brothers treated him the exact same way. It was refreshing, rather than the way he was always handled delicately by grown-ups and peers. For a while, he was even grateful for their consistent slagging and teasing.

And then it got pretty dull. He began dreading their visits, because even though they were only being older siblings, the way they spoke to him with such _malice_  really got to him. Their criticism got to him, and the way they talked about the outside world with such fondness got to him. He didn't know if they were doing it intentionally or not, but something made him wish that they didn't come at all.

"There's nothing that interesting. I told you about my progress. I told you about the kid that died--"

"What about chicks?"Jack said flatly. "Got a girlfriend?"

"Hook up with anyone, at least?" Ben added, nodding.

This was highly inappropriate. Luke was trying to focus on his _eating disorder_  goddammit, not trying to grope some girl's boobs.

"No." He replied curtly, patience running low. Did they have to be so obnoxious about everything?

"Have you ever even hooked up with someone? I mean you'd think living here would give you more opportunities."

"The girls dorms are on another floor."

"There's a thing called _sneaking out_ , Lukey. You should try it."

Luke gritted his teeth. Jack had a long-term girlfriend, shouldn't he be a little more respectful towards women. He could feel his chest threatening to burst in rage, and his head was feeling a little light. He wondered what sort of trouble he would cause if he jumped up and punched both of them right now. Would it be worth it?

At that moment, as he glanced around, he spotted a familiar face and a mop of golden curls on the far side of the garden. Ashton was throwing a ball, in a triangular formation, to his two younger siblings. He didn't know much about them, but the little boy looked around six or seven, and the girl could easily have been ten or eleven.

He watched as the boy threw the ball with all his might, and as it hit Ashton gently in the arm, he let out a dramatic cry and fell to the ground. The two little Irwins rushed to his side, and as they went to check if he was okay, he grabbed them both and started tickling them, sending them into fits of squealing and giggles.

It was just about the cutest thing Luke had ever seen, and he could suppress the fond smile he got while watching the event.

"So him, huh?" the voice of Ben snapped him out of his zone-out.

"Him what?"

"The one you're so obsessed with." Jack said nonchalantly, but Luke noticed how he checked for his reaction.

"I'm not obsessed with anyone." Luke remarked, clenching his fists. "I'm not a psycho."

"Well..." Jack gestured around them, implying that he was talking about the hospital. Rude fucker.

"That's not funny." he muttered, and Jack held out his hands in protest.

"Hey don't get me wrong, it's totally cool that you're in here. But you're giving that guy heart-eyes and we kind of already knew you like dudes."

Seconds passed before the words registered in Luke's ears, and a few more passed before he could process them.

"I do not like dudes!" he whisper-yelled, absolutely appalled.

How could they even think that? He was a teenager, so it was natural to be hormonal. Even if that included the same sex, right? Of course, wouldn't that include the opposite sex too? Fuck, he had never really thought about it.

Ben elbowed Jack hard in the ribs, causing him to groan.

"Idiot, you're supposed to wait for _him_  to tell _you_. Now he's freaking out."

Luke ignored them, because it kind of did make sense. With the whole dream thing, and then the sudden urges he always got to kiss Ashton. Oh god, Ashton. Yeah, sometimes Luke wanted to do more than just kiss him. But he had always thought that maybe it was just an exception for this one guy. When he really thought about it, though, had he ever liked girls?

Of course, he had _said_  he liked them, just for the sake of having a crush. But he had never wanted to hold their hands and do sappy stuff with them. What did that make him, then? Gay? Because he hoped that he wouldn't have to call himself that.

Then, the other thing Jack had said registered in his mind.

"And I was not giving Ashton heart-eyes." he protested, angry that his asshole brothers had figured this all out before he even had.

"Ooh, Ashton huh?" Ben winked. "You know, we asked before if you had a _girlfriend_. What about him? You gettin' the D Lukey?"

 _"I am not gay!"_  he yelled, causing a few families to turn around, giving him disgusted looks.

"Hey," Jack said, shoving Ben in the stomach. "lay off."

Then he turned to Luke. "Listen, we don't care who you put your dick in. Either way, if you like someone, _and I'm not talking about anyone in particular_ , you should go get them. Like, tell them how you feel, and _then_  put your dick in them. Okay?"

If you ignored the actual words he was saying, he actually sounded like he... cared about Luke's feelings. But that was probably the wind or something.

"Yeah, okay."

When they walked back to their parents, Liz and Andy tried to make it look like they weren't watching and trying to hear what the boys were saying. Luke didn't really care. This was the most he had actually... _connected_  with his brothers, if that was the right word.

And he felt a little relieved, getting the 'liking boys' thing off his chest. Even if it was forced from his chest. And even if he _had_  denied it. It did, however, make him painfully aware of the fact that that he probably had a crush on Ashton, and he didn't know how he was going to cope with that.

When they said their goodbyes, it was a little harder than it usually was. Probably because this time, Luke wasn't waiting for them all to leave. He saw Calum hugging his sister again, and Michael drifting helplessly around, with no one to say goodbye to. He would have to ask him about that later.

And he saw Ashton, wiping his eyes and trying so hard not to cry and his brother and sister and mum all hugged him in farewell. It was amazing how the older boy's emotions affected him, as Luke started to feel his eyes well up at the sight too.

Soon all of the families were gone, and they were all told to go into the cafeteria for a late dinner. The melancholy feeling left Luke, and it was replaced with one of dread.


	8. 7.00

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masturbation and confirmed feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what? im actually updating? no way  
> i know im like super trash for leaving this so long, but ive been working on a bunch of different oneshots lately, plus i start school next week, so i was emotionally preparing myself for that. anyway, enjoy. xx
> 
> OH, ps, i changed my tumblr url, so im no longer gay5sos, im ashthighs! you can follow me if u wanna ask about the story or whatever!!

The following day it was Sunday. On Sundays, those who were religious held little services in an unused hall, for dinner, they usually served spaghetti and meatballs (970 calories, making Luke's insides burn), and he was due another appointment with Doctor Frank since his schedule had changed.

After the herd of families had been shepherded from the building the previous day, the entire hospital was quiet. No one ever really knew what to do after goodbyes, and it always highlighted how lonely the place was. The first thing Luke did, after snapping out of what he called 'the visitors day haze', was find Ashton.

The older boy, upon seeing Luke walking in his direction, sniffed loudly and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of the plain white sweater he had on. The rest of the patients began to slowly retreat to the cafeteria. Dinner was late today.

"Are you alright?" Luke said softly, concern growing as became apparent that Ashton had been crying.

"Yeah, yeah, it's..." he began, voice wavering. "Saying goodbye was hard." he barely finished his sentence before he let out a small sob, clamping his hand over his mouth.

Luke's stomach lurched, and he immediately wrapped his arms around the smaller boy. There was no way that he could let him be so upset.

"It's alright, you're gonna be fine." he murmured, and he really didn't know where this was coming from, because he had never been good in these situations prior to this. Maybe he was saying what he would have wanted someone to say to him. Perhaps he imagined it was what Ashton would have said to him. "You'll get to see them again in a little while."

Over Ashton shoulder, he spotted Michael and Calum, who had now grouped together, whispering to each other. At that moment, they both glanced towards where Luke had Ashton in his arms, and Luke suddenly felt very self conscious. It was something like this that they definitely wouldn't like. He immediately pulled away, taking Ashton by surprise, as his hands were still laced together behind Luke's back.

"Let's go eat." Luke said hurriedly, probably for the first time in many years.

Dinner was terrible, in more ways than one. Not only was what Luke could only call 'slop' high in calories, but there was practically no conversation at the table-bench-thing. The four of them sat in silence, kind of like how they used to before Ashton arrived. However, this silence was hostile, rather than comfortable.

After torture, Luke had plans to sit and play some nintendo for a while. He would exercise before bed instead. Unlike their afternoon activities, which usually included being outside or running around, the evening times were a lot more mellow and calm. They weren't allowed outside once it began to get dark, so most of the patients lounged around in the rec room, playing cards or doing whatever they did.

Most of the patients were around Luke's age. Of course, over 18s could be admitted to the hospital, however, once you were legal, you were allowed have a say in the matter. And surprise surprise, most chose not to stay.

He made his way down from his dorm, DSI in hand, and flopped down onto a vacant armchair. And then there was an Ashton beside him.

"Hey Lukey, watcha up to?" he grinned, perching upon the armrest.

"Feeling better?" Luke chuckled, because it was nice seeing Ashton happy like this again.

"Yeah, I think maybe I was just a bit hungry and tired." he smiled, and then rested his head on top of Luke's.

It was a simple gesture, however it made his heart race and his muscles tense up. It made him painfully aware of the fact of how close Ashton was to him now. It was exactly what he didn't want. Well of course it was what he _wanted_ , but it wasn't going to benefit his situation. Not with himself, nor with Calum and Michael. But he couldn't be blatant about it.

"Hey Ash, is it okay if I'm... alone, for a while?" he said as delicately as he could possibly imagine. The older boy seemed taken aback.

"Oh! Oh, okay. Sure! Well... see ya then." he hopped up from the chair and hesitated, before scurrying away. After a couple of steps, he paused, and Luke noticed that he couldn't decide which direction to go in. After a few moments, he walked over to join a couple of girls playing _Connect 4._

Now this was the opposite of what Luke wanted. It had never occurred to him that Ashton had friends other than him. Especially _female_ friends. In fact, the idea seemed bizarre to Luke, but judging by the way they had graciously accepted him into their little group, it looked as though Ashton was the type to make friends easily.

He watched as one of the two girls, who was sporting a tight, red ponytail, shook his hand firmly in introduction. She beamed at him, freckles dotting her plump cheeks. Ashton was probably into freckles, and Luke cursed himself for not going into the sun more often. The other girl flipped her long, black hair over her shoulder, and giggled into her hand as Ashton said something while talking with his hands.

Okay that was flirting, that was definitely flirting. He ought to go over there and intervene or something—

"Luke." he broke his death stare from the girls to look up at his two friends.

"Wanna hang out?" Michael said bluntly. Luke was going to decline, just as he did Ashton, but something in the pair's eyes told him that wasn't a good idea. This was probably a test of friendship or something, and he was not going to fail it.

"Yeah, sure, what do you have in mind?" he said, standing up and tucking his DSI into his waistband. As he followed them out of the room he noticed how Ashton was now watching him leave with sad eyes.

 

Today was Sunday, and Luke made his way to Frank's office after breakfast. Breakfast had been a whole different ordeal. The day before, Luke, Michael and Calum had gone outside to play football. Calum's sister had once brought the ball with her on request, and they kicked it around outside until the sun began to set. By then, though, they were already laughing and joking with each other like nothing had ever happened.

"It's good to have you back, Lukey." Michael said, ruffling his hair, and they made their way back inside. A large nurse had bellowed for them to return a few seconds prior.

"Agh, don't call me that." he complained, swiping his friend's hand away, causing Michael to cackle a loud laugh.

"Well if that isn't gonna make him say it more I don't know what will." Calum smirked, hitting Michael upside the head.

"Ow, asshole." the purple-haired boy grumbled. (Luke had a feeling that Calum was getting his sister to smuggle dyes for Michael in too.)

So breakfast was a little better. Their table-bench-thing was loud and lively. Luke almost didn't notice how quiet Ashton was being. Almost.

"Hey, are you alright?" he nudged the older boy's arm and ignored the burning guilt-pool in the pit of his stomach.

"Yeah, 'm fine." he replied, and Luke left it at that, because he didn't want to pry.

That was what he told himself. He was being a good friend by leaving Ashton alone. Ashton probably didn't need him anyway. He had other friends, like those girls. He turned his attention back to the other two, who were arguing heatedly about bands or something.

Just as everyone was about to get up and leave, Luke saw the girl from yesterday, the one with the freckles and the ginger hair, approaching their table. He practically groaned, because there was no doubt that she was coming over to flirt with Ashton. The entire table went silent. Everyone was dying to hear what she had to say.

"Hi Ashton." She beamed. Ashton smiled back. Stupid freckles.

"Hey Sophie."

"Can I talk to you for a second?" she said, biting her lip nervously, and _oh my god, she wasn't_. Luke watched as he stood up and was lead a few feet away from the table. He strained to listen, and could just about hear them.

"So, uh, I was wondering..." _And she was. She was doing it_. "If you wanted to... maybe... go out with me?"

Luke's jaw dropped, and although he couldn't see Ashton's expression from where he was sitting, he could tell that he hadn't said anything yet.

It wasn't as though you could go on proper dates here. By "go out", she meant "do boyfriend-girlfriendy things, like sit together at meals and hold hands sometimes." Like a temporary hospital-couple. A lot of people did it, and Luke thought it was fucking stupid. It was go big or go home, in his mind.

"'M sorry, I can't." he heard Ashton say. _Wait, had he heard right? Ashton had turned her down?_

He couldn't help but feel a little smug when her face fell. Luke realised that he was probably being a huge jerk. He didn't even feel a little bit of sympathy for her, even though she seemed like a really nice girl. Could it be possible that he was a tiny bit jealous?

"Why?" Sophie squeaked, and Ashton played with the hem of his shirt. Her head dropped. "There's someone, else isn't there?"

He couldn't tell wether Ashton replied or not, but the girl nodded quickly and scurried away. Luke's head began to flood with questions. _Was there someone else? Was he with someone, or did he just like someone? Who was it?_

When Ashton returned to the table, things weren't quite as lively as they had been, and Calum kept glancing at Luke, as if to see his reaction.

"What was that about?" Luke asked casually, although his mind was flooding with questions.

"Wha- oh, it was nothing. She was... uh... asking about my timetable. Is all." and with that, he hurriedly picked up his tray and brought it up to the counter, before scurrying from the hall.

Luke was left kind of confused, because didn't Ashton know that most of their conversation could be heard? A wave of second-hand embarrassment hit him, and he chose to forget about it. He hoped Calum and Michael would too.

It still bugged him, though. Ashton... didn't want them to know about a girl asking him out. Did he really like someone else? Did he not trust Luke enough to tell him? Weren't they supposed to be close friends? He would even go as far as to say that Ashton was one of his best friends, right after Calum and Michael. So why didn't he want to share his secret?

It burned Luke's insides like acid to even think about Ashton liking someone, especially if that someone was't him. But that wasn't what he wanted, was it? Luke maybe, _maybe_  having a crush on Ashton was a fatal flaw, not something to pine over, and wish they could _hold hands_ , and do all sorts of lovey-dovey stuff. This had to be ignored.

Calum and Michael were staring at him now, and that was when Luke noticed how he had unintentionally screwed his face up in an ugly sulk. Ignoring their gaze, he stood up to leave. _No, Hemmings, this was how you almost lost them._  He swivelled around, sickeningly empty tray in hand, and gave them both a broad, artificial smile.

"Hang out later?" he offered, not waiting for their replies before setting his tray down on the counter and leaving for therapy.

 

**__________________________________________________**

 

"So Luke. How have you been since we last spoke? How are you adjusting to your new timetable?"

Luke let the air escape from his lungs slowly, and deflated into the beige, floral armchair. His fingers absently ticked on the corduroy.

"Okay, I guess." was his curt reply, and Frank cocked his head.

"Your body language is telling me otherwise. Is something making you nervous?"

Ah. It was reassuring to know that Luke was as obvious as fucking ever.

"Nope. Feelin' great." he sighed, inspecting a simple picture frame behind the bald, shining head of doctor Frank. It was a blue square, next to a red square. In the middle of the two, there was a purple circle connecting them. He wasn't sure if this was supposed to represent something, but he kept his eyes trained on it anyway. "Like always." he added.

Who needed Frank anyway? Not Luke, that's who. So what if he was in a bad mood for no particular reason, and so what if he was being uncharacteristically cool about his feelings? People didn't really _need_  to hear about how he was truly feeling anyway. Even Ashton, who Luke was certain felt the same for him, as he did for the older boy, liked someone else. And Luke had opened up to _him_. So, studies showed that /that/ method, did not work. No one likes a sappy guy.

"Oh really?" Frank raised a single eyebrow in an intimidating manner. "Why so great?"

Why so great? Now that was a good question. Great, because due to his consistent exercising, he hadn't gained much weight since being admitted. He didn't need the bulky nurses pushing him onto a scale every week to tell him that. Great, because he was certain that Ashton didn't like him _in that way._  So there was nothing keeping him here. _Great_ , because this meant that he could work even harder to get out, even if it was under false pretences, without any distractions. Because it wouldn't be so hard to push him a little further away. Things were _great_.

"'Dunno. Just feeling better, I guess." came his cool response.

There was silence in the small office for several moments, as Frank scanned his eyes for giveaways. What were his eyes like, he wondered. Were they cold and burning with guilt like he felt? Or were they just dead? He could see it in everyone else's, but never his own. He hoped, for some reason, that maybe, doctor Frank would be able to find the tiny trace of hope that was left.

 

**__________________________________________________**

 

Luke somehow, _somehow_  managed not to speak to Ashton for the next few days, much to his own grief. They still sat together in silence at meals, but that was the extent of it.  _It was for the best,_  he kept telling himself, although the sinking feeling in his chest and stomach grew every time he had to dodge the boy, and that told him otherwise. It pained Luke himself, every time he saw a flash of hurt in those gorgeous hazel eyes. He had been hurt so many times, and to know that he had put it in someone else, he couldn't help but cast himself as the villain in his own mind.

As it turned out, staying away from the boy only made his feelings more apparent. For every second that he stopped himself from running to him and apologising for being a jackass, he only missed him more. It was official, in Luke's own mind, that his feelings were clearly non-platonic, the day they bumped into each other in the showers. For certain reasons, they didn't have their own bathrooms in each dorm, which meant communal showers, much like a university would have.

Except much worse, because it meant there was a chance of Luke being seen without his shirt on, one of his most deadly fears. He could only imagine the look of disgust on their face as they looked him up and down, eyeing up the parts that were deadly thin, in contrast to the overly-chubby bits. This was the reason he usually showered just before lights out, when people were lounging about, finished with their washing up.

That's what his _plans_  were anyway, and they were usually successful, so he didn't really plan to walk smack bang into a solid figure, several days later. Unlike Luke, who was entering the shower area, Ashton seemed to be leaving. Well, Luke presumed this much was true, because he was dressed in only a towel around his waist, and his hair was soaking wet, tiny water droplets cascading down from the nape of his neck, to his subtle, angular collarbones, and leading Luke's eyes down to his toned chest.

Well. Stuttering mess was an understatement.

"A-Ashton! I didn't... uh, expect to see you here this late. Or anyone, really." he rambled, almost biting his tongue once or twice.

Crap, why was he losing his cool? He was supposed to be distancing himself from the older boy. Not... ogling his naked chest... and the way the V on his hips disappeared into the towel, and how Luke would give anything for the towel to drop right now.

 _No— fuck._ This wasn't good.

"I uh, yeah. Just trying out something different." Ashton mumbled, lifting his arm up to scratch the back of his neck.

 _Oh god_  his arms were so big. In the best way, though. A mixture of guilt, envy and arousal swirled around in his stomach like a brew of tea, and he was thankful that he was still dressed, not wearing a towel that could easily give anything away if he were to let the blood flowing down south to continue.

"Luke—"

"Ashton—"

Fucking awkward. They both snapped their mouths shut. Were they going to address the fact that they hadn't spoken in days? Sure, Ashton had attempted, but Luke had always replied with curt answers, brushing him off. _This_  was the reason why. Because even just seeing Ashton shirtless, all fit and tanned, with flawless, smooth skin, was getting Luke all uncomfortable in his jeans.

"I need to... uh... shower. Before bed time." he said quietly, attempting to dodge around the shorter boy.

Ashton, however, sidestepped in front of him, blocking him from going any further.

"You wanna tell me why you're ignoring me?" he said in a tone that was much gruffer than his usual soft voice.

It was a huge turn on, if he was honest. But he tried not to think about it, because he knew Ashton wouldn't take any bullshit excuse, and his knees were shaking.

"I... I c-can't tell you." he muttered, and it was pathetic, really.

Finally daring to look Ashton in the eyes, he instantly regretted it. They were so soft and so full of hurt. Hurt. He felt like literal satan for putting it there.

"Why not? You know you can trust me, right Luke?"

Now, that was ironic. Coming from someone who wouldn't even share his feelings for someone else with Luke, that was a joke. Ashton hadn't even let on he had liked someone. Suddenly, the anger he had been repressing began to seep out into his words.

"I don't know if I can." he spat, pushing past the golden-haired boy and into the shower area.

He knew that Ashton hadn't left, and was still, in fact, standing behind him, but he didn't want to just stand there, looking like an idiot, so he proceeded to remove his shower things from his wash bag. He had hoped that Ashton would get the point that their conversation was over and leave, but he stayed put, watching Luke until the bag was empty, and he had no clue what to do next.

Well, he wasn't going to give in. He reached for the back of his neck and, facing away from Ashton, pulled the shirt over his head. This was it. He was simultaneously proving a point, and facing his fear all at once. His heart was thumping and his hands were shaking, but he had done it. He felt eyes boring into his back, and his swivelled around, clutching the white shirt to his chest in cover. One step at a time.

Ashton was staring at him silently on the other side of the otherwise-empty room, with his arms crossed in an intimidating manor. Luke, who had previously been feeling confident, now felt himself shrink to the size of a paperclip.

"W-what are you still doing here?" he said quietly, all gumption lost.

Ashton's eyes flicked up and down his chest, eyeing over his scrawny shoulders and sharp collarbones. He suddenly remembered why he had been so afraid of this. He involuntarily winced, waiting for Ashton to bark out a crude laugh and tell him how disgusting he looked. He didn't, but Luke hugged the shirt closer to his chest, nonetheless.

"Why can't you trust me?" Ashton said finally, unfolding his arms and taking a few idling steps forward, still in nothing but a towel. A shiver ran down Luke's spine.

Luke gulped, tension thick in the room. His response was pathetic, to match how he was feeling.

"I- I told you. I can't... tell you."

"You can't, _or you won't?_ " Ashton squinted, eyes narrowing.

Luke had never seem this side of him before. He always put on this happy-go-lucky act, trying to please everyone, and being this complete ray of sunshine. But this Ashton, he was trying to break Luke down, trying to get answers because _he_  wanted answers, not for the benefit of someone else. This wasn't a bad thing, just... interesting.

"I won't." he replied more solemnly this time.

The words left a bad taste in his mouth, and Ashton seemed taken back by them too. Looking Luke up and down once more, he nodded curtly and took a pair of boxers from his own bag, slipping them on under his towel. Luke watched in awe, unable to look away, as the older boy whipped the towel from around his waist, and set it down on the bench, rummaging in his bag for the rest of his clothes.

 _My god, his ass was amazing_. It was like some sort of holy relic, and Luke fought with all his power to keep his dick down. Still unable to tear his eyes away, he thought of his mother instead. What would Liz think if she knew her son was seriously contemplating reaching out and grabbing another boys ass?

Scratch that, he didn't want to just grab it, he wanted to touch him all over, and have Ashton touch _him_  all over, and for him to shove Luke against the wall. He wanted Ashton to grab at his hair, and kiss him roughly and palm at his dick, and—

— _No!_  Definitely not. There was no doubt now that he was fucking _solid_  in his jeans. He could always use his shirt to cover up, but that would mean leaving his chest exposed. Was it worth it? Just as Ashton pulled his own t-shirt over his head, Luke made the quick decision to lower the shirt to cover his crotch.

"Bye, Luke." Ashton said, a little sadly, hauling the back over his shoulder and leaving the room, door swinging shut behind him.

"Bye." he whispered to himself, the back of his eyes stinging.

He fought down a sob that bubbled up in his throat as he stripped the rest of his clothes off, discarding them carelessly on the bench, beside his bag, and running the water.

It wasn't long before he was legitimately getting off under the hot spray of the shower, trying not to think of Ashton. His thoughts weren't so much ' _I can't believe this is happening I'm literally jerking it to the thoughts of a guy that I'm pretty sure I'm fighting with now_ ' so much as they were of Ashton kissing at this thighs and licking at his cock. He shuddered, biting his unoccupied fist to keep his moans from echoing in the empty room.

When he came, it was super hard, and down the drain of a public shower, which was admittedly, a new low for him. Once he had calmed down from his post-orgasmic high, a huge tidal wave of regret and guilt washed over him. Luke knew more than anything that he had just made his situation worse, especially now that it was clear that Ashton was pissed off at him.

Maybe that was for the better, anyway. Sure, the mere thought of it sent Luke's pathetic heart into crippling pain, but he thought of it like this: maybe if Ashton forgot about him, then he wouldn't be able to hurt him as much. Besides, Luke was always so reckless with his feelings, so there was more than one good reason why his relationship with Ashton— be it romantic or not— was a bad idea.

As he stepped out into the steamy air and wrapped the towel around his chubby waist, the tiny, nearly dead part of his brain screamed

 _But what does your heart want_?

He didn't really know, and he didn't care either.

It was for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okaaayyyy so theres still a lil bit more angst to go, and i feel kinda shitty for putting my lashtons through that, but i promise it turns out okay!!  
> (and maybe the kiss is approaching too. who knows?)


	9. 8.00

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi!!! so sorry it's been so long but i've been on hiatus. i hope you all dont mind, but i just needed a break from writing. anyway, i promised a double update, so i will be posting the second one maybe tomorrow. feel free to leave your feedback and tell me what you think, or send me a thought on my tumblr (ashthighs) !!!

_"Luke, open the door right now!"_

_Luke ignored his mother's frantic orders and continued pacing the bathroom floor, both hands grasping at his short, lifeless hair. His stomach was screaming for something, anything, to help it sustain life, but he couldn't break the streak now. It had been over 144 hours, six days, since he had eaten a single thing. And that had been half an apple. It was a record, but it had been very hard to hide. He wasn't even bothering anymore, and he had resorted to just blatantly refusing to open his mouth at dinner._

_In his mind, he was happy. His insides were clean and unpolluted, cleansed with just water alone, but it was still screaming at him for something to eat. Luke didn't understand. Why couldn't it just be grateful to be empty, like he was?_

_As the thumps on the door grew louder, he glanced at himself in the mirror. Train wreck was an understatement. The bags under his eyes were heavy, and a deep purple shade, and his skin had broken out everywhere in contrast to the sickly yellow colour that was once his pale complexion. His hair was brittle and straw-like, and he could barely stand, but he had the body of dreams, so it was worth it. Just 10 minutes ago, he had briefly collapsed, but he was back up again, and locked into the bathroom._

_"Luke, please eat something!" Liz was now crying from outside._

_She knew about him. Everyone knew about him, but he was by far the skinniest person in his school, so it didn't really matter to him._

_"I'm... I'm fine. I don't need to." he called back to her weakly._

_Boy, did it take a lot of energy to speak. His breath came at a rapid pace after that, trying to steady itself. His stomach was violently shrieking, and a surge of nausea washed over him. He dropped to the toilet and began to wretch, but nothing came out. There was nothing_ to _come out. It was ironic; he had previously been such an expert on puking, and he couldn't do it when he actually felt sick. He stood back up weakly, and his entire body flushed, hot to the touch. He felt the urge to strip his clothes off. It was hot, way too hot in the room._

_Before he could tear at his shirt, his vision clouded, blurring so that he couldn't see in front of him. He knew this was probably the end. If he didn't die now, he would be carted off to hospital, and they would pump calorific fluids into his perfect, clean body. He would rather die. He swayed to the side, and then his balance went. The last thing he heard before he blacked out was the panicked cries of his mother, and loud thumping on the bathroom door._

Luke sat up in bed, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. It took him a second to realise that it had been a flashback dream, and he grimaced in disgust at the way his nightshirt was plastered to his back with sweat. He peeled it off, eyes still squinting to see in the dark room. A deep snore vibrated through the dorm and yes, Calum was asleep on the other side. Luke reassured himself a few times that everything was going to be okay, and he lay back down again, unable to shut his eyes.

That had been the moment just before his brother kicked down the door, and when his heart had stopped momentarily in the ambulance. Before they wired him up and pumped things into his body, before he still refused to open his mouth to solids, and the doctors had recommended him to a "rehabilitation centre." A psych ward. He didn't know why his subconscious was bringing it up now. Perhaps it was the stress.

Perhaps that was his brain's way of reminding him how much he was letting himself go. He had been so frail, so slight and small. But now, his chest was filling out, and his shoulders were slightly meatier, looking ridiculously large in contrast to his lanky legs. His body was so out of proportion right now and he missed the feeling of an empty stomach. He missed feeling clean inside, knowing he was losing weight without doing anything at all. Luke sighed and rolled over, unable to even shut his eyes. The basic numbered clock on the wall told him in was 2 am.

An uneasy feeling churned in his stomach, as if he was about to vomit, but not really. Just remembering what it had been like to have to hide for all those months, it made him feel nauseous. Here, he could be himself, but he also wasn't allowed to be. It was ironic, really. He needed to talk.

"Cal." he hissed, hoping that was enough to wake him. It wasn't.

"Calum!" he called quietly, still not earning the slightest trace of movement from the other boy.

Finally, he just got up and sat on the other bed, gently shaking his shoulder. He was a shit friend. Calum then emitted a quiet groan, shielding his eyes with a limp hand.

"I'm wrecked, what time is it?"

"Two." Luke answered sheepishly, acknowledging the daggers that Calum had lowered his hand to shoot him.

"And I'm awake, why?"

"Can we, like... talk?"

Calum raised an eyebrow, forehead creasing.

"Can I, like... sleep?"

Luke sighed in disappointment, getting up to return to his own uncomfortable bed. Maybe he and Calum just weren't on that level yet.

"Wait."

Luke swivelled around to the other boy, who was now pinching the bridge of his nose.

"We can talk if you want. I'm awake now anyway." he said, patting the bed beside him.

Luke, without hesitation, sat down beside him and crossed his long legs. They were silent for a few moments. Then

"Calum, do you mind if I ask... why you... uh... why you—"

"Why I tried to off myself?" he finished, his tone nonchalant.

"Yeah."

"Nah, not really. You really wanna know?"

"Yes. If that's okay."

"It is."

They both fell into an easy silence, before Calum spoke up again.

"Someone I knew, no— someone I loved... died." he inhaled deeply, voice barely coming out as a whisper. "It was cancer, so it dragged out really slow, you know? After about a year of torture, she told me she'd loved me all along, as if she knew she was gonna die that night." his voice was choked up now, and he was struggling to complete his words, but he trooped on, still.

"I guess I thought I would never be able to live without her. So when I got home, I tied a noose in my room and I tried to hang myself."

Luke was confused. Didn't he slit his wrists? What were those scars for, then? His questions were answered when Calum continued to speak.

"Didn't work, obviously. My sister found me just after I kicked the stool. Watching her scream and sob like that as she tried to pull me down... it was absolutely heartbreaking. I only felt worse after that, though. It was like, every day seemed pointless. My parents didn't... _don't_  care about me. They're concerned with work, more than they are of their son who tried to kick the bucket. They put up with the first time. But the second time, not so much.

"It was something stupid that set me off, actually. Usually people would tread delicately around me, 'cos they knew what happened. But there was this kid who didn't like me. Said I was too cold. Didn't know, I guess, and he told me to kill myself. So I thought 'hey, why the fuck not?' When I got home, I took one of my dad's razor blades and bled out on my own bedroom floor. I don't really know how I got to the hospital. I don't have a doubt that it was Mali again. Either way, my parents were clearly sick of me bothering them with my suicide attempts 'nall, so I ended up here. And...yeah. That's me."

Luke stared at him in awe. He had attempted to kill himself... twice? He had had no idea that he had been so set on not being alive.

"You wouldn't... try again, would you?" he said nervously, swallowing the large lump in his throat.

Calum seemed to think for a minute, eyes zooming out of focus as Luke held his breath.

"I don't think so. Still kinda want to, but I wouldn't this time. It'd hurt too many people, probably. More to live for."

"Exactly." Luke nodded swiftly, glad that Calum knew this. "We'd all be in bits, Cal. Especially Mike. You know you mean the world to him. And me too, 'course."

Calum swallowed thickly, and began to inspect his fingernails.

"Did... did he say that?"

"What, Michael? Well no, but it's clear as day. Christ, the way he looks at you." Luke chuckled. "And I need you too, Cal. Us three, we need to stick together, I think."

"The three musketeers." Calum nodded, grinning. They were both silent again.

"You know," Luke began thoughtfully, voice wavering a little, "there were actually four musketeers in the book. _D'Artagnan_ was a late joiner."

"Fuckin' nerd. Is this about Ashton?" Calum said, tone less judgemental than anticipated.

"Kinda. I just... why don't you guys like him? You did at the start, I know you did."

Calum didn't speak for a moment, preparing his answer.

"We're the three musketeers, right? And it felt like there were only two left." he simply stated. "I... _we_... didn't like the change."

This was clearly the result of some deep-rooted trust issues. Luke sighed in frustration.

"But I—"

"Yes, it's obvious you fancy him, Luke."

What.

 _What?_!

"I- I don't _fancy_  him, we're... we _were_  good friends. My point is, what if I want to keep you both as my friends? I don't know why you're putting me in this position."

"We're not putting you in any position. It should be an easy decision. It's us, or him."

"That's not _fair_!" Luke realised that his voice had raised, and hushed his tone a little. If only his friends approved, it would be a bit easier to know that he liked Ashton. Maybe then they could be at least friends.

"Life isn't fair." Calum argued back, with his voice just as raised. "Some people just don't like other people. Get over it, Luke."

"I don't want to get over it." he whispered, the bridge of his nose beginning to sting, as if he was about to cry. He willed himself not to.

"I didn't want any of this drama between any of us. I just want to get help for my _goddamn fucking eating disorder_ , so I can get the fuck out. I want to stay friends you, and Michael, and Ashton, without feeling sick to my stomach all the time. Isn't that what you want too?"

Calum was staring at him now, the whites of his eyes almost glowing in the dark. He didn't say anything for a while.

"I don't know what I want. I can't think of anything good for myself for when I get out. I'll get home, my parents'll take care of me for about three days, before deciding I can take care of myself again. Mali will be the only one who calls to check up on me everyday. I'll go to school and put myself on autopilot, and I'll think about _her_  everyday. If I'm not in here, I don't know what I'll do. So no. I don't know."

Luke shut his eyes and sighed. It seemed like he was going in circles now. He didn't really feel like launching into a long speech on how Calum was too good for this world. He was tired.

"I'm going to sleep now. I'm sorry for waking you."

 

Luke, Calum, and Michael all stayed inside that afternoon. The three of them were all lounging on top of each other on the couch in the common room, idly chatting, all tension lost. It didn't stay that way for long, because Luke recognised the mop of golden-brown hair that was walking towards them. Luke tried to ignore how much he wanted to spring up and peck kisses all over his face (and body) after not speaking for several days now.

Come to think of it, Ashton didn't look the best. In fact, he looked exhausted, with deep, purple bags under his eyes, and a few breakouts on his cheeks. Nonetheless he was still Ashton. Cute, cuddly-looking Ashton.

"Hi. Can I talk to Luke for a second?"

Oh dear. Oh no. Luke wanted to tear his hair out, because any alone time with Ashton, and Luke wouldn't be able to control himself. He'd cry, or spring for a hug, or _tell him how he felt_. Before he had the chance to answer, though Michael spoke up.

"I don't know. _Can_  you?"

Calum snickered, and Luke just stared at his lap, determined not to let the tears breach his eyes. They were being awful. He needed to stay strong. That's how you survived in there; you don't show weakness.

"Luke." he heard Ashton say, voice barely above a whisper, and laced with hurt and betrayal. It broke his heart.

He knew Ashton was staring at him, waiting for a response, and yet he still stayed silent, refusing to look up. Even if he tried to speak, it would only come out as a gasping sob, and he was trying to avoid that at all costs.

"Fine." Ashton said with a stronger tone, but he could still hear the hurt. Hurt. He had put it there.

"Calum, let me know when you finally tell Michael that you like him." and with that, he turned swiftly, and marched off without looking back.

Wait.

What?

Luke snapped his head head towards Calum, who's mouth was agape, as if he wanted to say something, but the words just wouldn't come out. Then he looked at Michael, who was also looking at Calum with the same shock.

"...Cal?" was all he said, voice quiet.

He didn't need to say more. Calum hopped up from the couch, face crimson red.

"I- I need to... I don't." he said, before he began to walk briskly from the room.

And then there were two. Michael was now just staring at the idle space where Calum had once been, mouth agape.

"He..." he began, then snapping his mouth shut. "Did _you_  know?" he said, looking up at Luke at last.

"No." he replied quietly. "Do you... like him back?"

Michael was silent for a few moments. Then he put his face in his palms, rubbing his eyes.

"No." he mumbled, and Luke's stomach churned. "I -I don't think so."

Luke felt sick and humiliated for Calum, who clearly had feelings for his best friend. He felt sympathy for Michael, who probably wished he could say 'yes', just so he didn't have to hurt Calum like this.

For Ashton, all he felt was confusion and anger.

 _What the fuck was wrong with him?_  Could he not handle rejection so much that he decided to ruin someone else's life instead? How could Luke even _like_  someone like him? Assuming that it was  _like_  that Luke was feeling towards the other blonde. Did he lack enough human decency to not realise when he was crossing the boundary between lashing out, and pure  _evil_?

"I-I'm gonna go check on him." Michael mumbled, hopping up, a little unsteadily, and going to what presumably was Luke and Calum's room. Luke nodded a quick agreement, and curled himself up into a ball on the couch, hugging his knees to his chest, and burying himself into them.

At dinner, Luke ate alone. Still at the table, but Ashton had gone somewhere else, ( _good_ , he thought) and Calum and Michael where no where to be found. As he stared at the plate before him, numbers and digits where lacing his every thought, weaving themselves between all of his worries. There was no one there to distract him. No one to encourage him. Just him, against the food; a battle that never seemed to end.

Lifting a forkful of bland rice to his lips, he forced his mouth to clamp down around it. Brenda was on watch today, and he felt her beady eyes bore into the back of his head as he held it there, not bringing himself to swallow. He took a shaky sip of water, and tears spilled over onto his cheeks.

He couldn't understand why this was happening to him. All of the progress he'd made was going to shit with every gasp for air he took in panic. It was a simple task, eating, and he couldn't even manage _that_ , a few months into his treatment. Not on his own, any way.

The fork fell from his hand, clattering loudly onto his plate. He sprinted from the hall, not caring that people were staring, not caring that the nurse was in pursuit. The bathroom door flew open, as he flew inside, and dropped to his knees in front of the nearest toilet bowl.

It'd been so long. It was all coming back to him now, though. Watering eyes. Pounding heart. Saliva everywhere. Burning throat. He kept going and going, until the door burst open, until two strong arms hoisted him away, even though he was kicking and sobbing. And he kicked and cried until a needle was pressed to his neck, and then he wasn't anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!  
> Well, as you can see i am the worst human alive. now youre probably thinking 'wtf ashton' or something along those line. all i can say is that all will be revealed in the next few chappies!!  
> i know this is super sad and angsty but the next chapter will be romance!!!!!!! kiss kiss fall in love type stuff!!!!! so stick around kiddos  
> i have to go now, the garbage truck is here to collect me! xx


	10. 8.50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [BONUS ROUND]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so basically, i wanted yall to know what happened when michael ran after calum. im also changing the name of this fic to "the one where everyone cries a lot"
> 
> also! to the worried commenters yesterday, i was kidding when i called my self trash! dont be sad!!
> 
> this isnt a very long, mostly bc its just an addition to yesterdays chapter, so yeah.

 

"Cal! Open up, it's me!"

Calum buried his head deeper into the duvet, trying to drown out Michael's voice from outside the door.

"I'm not... upset or anything." Michael tried, even though the hesitation in his voice suggested otherwise. Calum scoffed all the same.

" _Well isn't that great for you!_ " he exclaimed, slightly let down by how weak his voice sounded. He _had_ just had a breakdown, after all. Michael sighed, and Calum could hear him leaning against the door.

"Look, please just let me in. We need to talk about this." his voice sounded resigned , and it motivated him to get up and move the drawers away from where they blocking the door. Michael probably could have pushed them away, if he'd wanted, but instead, he'd chosen to wait for permission. Calum was in love with him.

A tuft of red hair poked it's way through the door, and Michael slid his way in, even though it wasn't fully open yet.

"Listen, I don't know how Ashton knew but I guess it's all out in the open now, so we can just forget about what you heard or—"

"Have you been crying?" Michael interrupted, his perfect, _perfect_  face the epitome of worry. Calum involuntarily reached a hand up to dab his cheeks, and oh. Yeah.

"Well, yeah."

"How come?" without waiting for an answer, Michael stepped forward, and mimicked Calum's own action, wiping the wetness from his cheek with a gentle swipe of his thumb.

Calum froze, heart pounding in his chest, skin burning hot to the touch. He turned his head away from the gesture, and Michael snatched his hand back.

"I don't know. I guess because this is going to change everything between us, isn't it. You know I love you now, so we—"

"You love me?"

Calum froze for a second, but then chuckled, almost cynically.

"Well I guess that's out in the open now too."

Michael's mouth twisted into a frown and his stared at the ground, brows furrowed.

"It's okay." Calum smiled weakly. "You don't have to say it back, or anything. Actually, I'd rather you didn't know at all, but shit happens. I guess we can forget this ever happened and move on. I'll get over it."

Michael opened his mouth, and what Calum half-expected to be a spiteful laugh, was actually "I don't know how I feel."

This time it was Calum's turn to frown, as he pushed the single thread of hope that had weaved it's tiny way into his mind. "That's not fair."

"What?"

"You're supposed to tell me to get over it so we can continue being friends like we were. Don't go making everything all complicated. At least spare me the pain for when you decide that you don't have any feelings for me whatsoever." the tiny dams behind his eyes were springing hundreds of leaks, and he found the water in his eyes spilling over.

He didn't mind, because the same was happening to Michael. It broke his heart, seeing him cry. It was the first time since Michael had spilled to him about why no one visited him anymore.

" _You're_  not being fair!" Michael snapped back, usually milky skin a deep shade of magenta. "Why are you putting me on the spot like this? I only just found out that you like me! How am I supposed to know how I feel?"

Every bit of common sense Calum had ever known was swept away at this, as his grabbed the collar of Michael's shirt, and pulled him in. Their lips crashed together in a sloppy mess of lips, teeth, and tears, and Calum's heart was pounding like crazy because after a few seconds, Michael was still there, hands, at first, hovering awkwardly above their heads, but eventually coming down to rest on his shoulders.

When Calum pulled back, Michael looked dazed for a moment, but then hiccuped a sob and covered his face with his hands.

"What did you do that for?" he mumbled.

"To help you decide. Did that repulse you?"

Calum was trying to sound cool and brave, but in truth, his entire body was trembling like a leaf. He'd fucked up. He'd kissed Michael. And it was a really bad kiss too, so he'd probably shattered that last ounce of hope that was left.

Instead of answering him, Michael lifted Calum's hand up, and pressed it to his own chest. Calum felt the gentle thumping of the other boy's reverberating heart beneath his fingertips. It was fast.

"Oh."

"I don't know what this means." Michael whispered, as though the whole world has quietened around them. It might as well have, as far as Calum was concerned.

"We can figure it out."

Yeah, Calum was going to have to apologise later for stepping out of line, and for being an impatient asshole, and for making Michael miss dinner. But right now all that mattered was that their fingers were intertwined, and how Michael was inspecting their hands, as if testing how his heart sped up at the gesture. And Calum had butterflies, trillions of them, making up for the ones he'd been squashing down for weeks.

"So. Can we go down now? I'm hungry."

 

 


	11. update (not a new chapter)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pls dont hate me lol

Hey yall!

So I'm sorry if this got some people's hopes up, but in the past few years I've been receiving comments asking (or demanding -.-) updates, and I thought I would take the time to announce that I am NOT and will never be continuing this work.

I thank the many of you who have sent me lovely comments and asks and kudos', but I when I wrote this fic I was fourteen years old, in a terrible place and a huge fan of 5sos. I regret to say that I am nearly eighteen now, trying very hard to be okay, and have grown out of liking the band. In my time of writing this, I had not fully grasped the basic concept of grammar and syntax, and I had never even heard of outlining the plot, which meant I was just making everything up as I went, which I'm sure some of you know, is no way to write a chapter story. I still remember the set ending I had for this fic but I had no middle planned, which wouldn't have made for terrible content. As well as this, I was getting a lot of attention here and on tumblr also, and for a child it was very overwhelming and pressurising having dozens of people hound you every day for more content. Don't get me wrong, I love all of you and thank you for all of your kind messages, but I think that it was better for me that I stopped writing. I actually created a new AO3 account shortly after taking a break from this one, so hit me up if you're interested in reading some of my other works for other fandoms over the last three years. I have improved my writing skills greatly since starting this work, and am actually currently working on a novel! 

Again, I'm very sorry to those of you who have been waiting for an update for all this time, and I apologise that I can't cater to you, but I just can't write if my heart's not entirely in it. I hope you all understand.

If anyone wishes to get into contact with me, my tumblr is demheter. Thank you for reading.

Laura. Xx


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